Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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