Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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