im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
