it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
