He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
