he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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