I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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