It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
