1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Randomize
