Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
