You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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