people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
