My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize