i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
