May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
