shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
