Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
