you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
