My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
