I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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