You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
