You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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