My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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