Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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