I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
