If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
