so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
