He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
