If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
