your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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