dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What a dumb baby whore.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
