I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
