it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
