I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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