I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
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i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What drink are we having for lunch?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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