I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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