Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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