2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
