i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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