Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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