Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
