Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
