Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
