this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
