I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
