dude i'm inner monologue high
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
