Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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