i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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