He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
