I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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