I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
