Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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