I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
