You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
