You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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