I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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