Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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