it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
