textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
