I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
